SATIRE | Dining halls start using potholes to cook stew

The large number of potholes on campus streets and in parking lots recently inspired the dining halls to use some of these large holes as pots for their best-selling stew.

Minnie Stronie, the newly appointed director of UCCS’ stew department, said this method was not only delicious — it saved the university a lot of money.

“The high temperatures of the approaching summer allow the stew to heat naturally, so we don’t have to use natural gas,” Stronie said. “We also don’t need to use any water to clean the dishes, since the rain and snow does that. And any leftovers can go towards filling the potholes.”

When asked how the stew’s remaining liquid can fill the potholes, Stronie said between gulps of stew, “Corn starch. That’s how you always thicken soup or sauce.” She refused to elaborate any further as she ran to the nearest shuttle, bowl in hand, to investigate more potholes.

On Monday, Dining Services held an event with the Geology department, planning on showing how nutrition and rocks go together with some of their famous pothole stew.

Following the event, sophomore geology student Sam Duene said he felt that this new method allowed him to get closer to Colorado’s soil. “There’s dirt in every bite. Sometimes, I even find a rock,” he said. “The dining halls’ new menu has allowed me to literally absorb geologic information.”

According to Duene, these roadside meals have made him the envy of his family. “My mom used to compare me to my cousin, who is a year younger than me and has already graduated from Harvard Law School,” he said. “Now, she can’t be prouder that I go to the ‘pothole stew university.’ Even my aunt is jealous and wishes my cousin attended UCCS.”

Among the crowd of Mountain Lions who love and support the Dining Hall’s new endeavor, only one student stands contrary to the beloved pothole stew.

President of the UCCS Kia Soul club, Aeryn Mytires, said that she was not only opposed to potholes — she was opposed to pothole stew because it “makes me distraught in my Soul.”

“Every time we have car meets, we cruise along campus. Not anymore — they’re always cooking stew on Mountain Lion Way!” she said. “What’s the purpose of having a road if you can’t drive a Kia Soul on it?”

When asked if reconciliation with the Dining Halls was possible, Mytires looked straight at the reporter, grabbed the microphone and said, “This is war.”

Aware of the growing tensions on campus between Souls and stew, Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet released a statement over the feud in a campus-wide email on Wednesday. “There will be no war on campus, because I’ve already decided the winner: Clyde. He has full reign over the campus streets.”

Clyde is expected to be awarded the new title “Dean of Pavement.” He proudly endorses pothole stew. See Clyde’s other reflections on his dietary preferences here.

Stew fills a pothole outside of the University Center. Photo by Lillian Davis.