Satire: The best scams targeted at UCCS students

Devon Martinez  

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     People seem to think scams are negative, but some scams can help you better your life. They are designed that way. Concepts like the American Dream are scams, but they lead to more productivity and all sorts of inventions because people go out and chase it.   

     And at UCCS, there are a lot of scams, but some scams — like the American Dream — are better than others.  

Parking passes scam 

     This scam is amazing because it takes money from students, so they can get the best parking spaces on campus. Even though there is already a parking fee that all students must pay, this scam gives students, who obviously have $300 to $400 to spare, the chance to pay money to park near to and on campus.  

     And the fee continues to go up every year. It does not matter if there is a major pandemic, the fee is there to remind us that we will always owe the school money. We pay thousands to get our degree, they then ask us if we would like to donate money to education funds for the future after we graduate, and during our time here we pay thousands to park close to class over our four years here.  

     If you think about it, it would be an anti-UCCS position for students to not put money into this scam. The campus needs this money. That’s why they are asking for it. Whose side are you on? 

Online commencement scam 

     The school leaders have not provided any good reason for having the online commencement. But you should be happy, because this scam allows the school to save some money — funds that can be used to help other students in the future. 

     I know that the commencement is an important day for a lot of students, and they would love to be able to experience a normal graduation like other schools are providing around the country but think about future graduations. The winter one is going to be lit, thanks to the sacrifice you are making by participating in a lazy ceremony. 

     Honestly, it is a scam to hold an online commencement, but remember, it is for your own good. 

Guy Fieri’s Flavortown scam 

     This scam occurs every Tuesday at every dining hall on campus. Students all around campus receive a text that Guy Fieri will be on campus to provide reviews of the different dining halls for his show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.”  

     The scam also says that he will provide food and bring all students to Flavortown. This has been going on for the past seven months, but several students love this scam. Just the idea that Fieri might be on campus is enough for some students to fall for the scam.  

     Every Tuesday, students from all around campus go to each dining hall to wait for Fieri, and they will continue to do so until the man shows up.  

We take your money through your email scam 

     The best part of this scam comes from the honesty. Students may find the scam in their emails with a tagline that says: “We Are Here To Take Your Money; Give Us Your Credit Card To Help Us Make Money.” 

     Some students appreciate this and have given money to this email scam because the creators of the scam are not lying to them, unlike almost all other scams.  

     “I don’t give money to just anything,” said senior space and moon major David Michelson. “But I gave money to this. I helped fill the pockets of the person of this scam because I believe in honesty. I have never given money to anything else ever.”