Satire: UCCS professor believes COVID-19 attacks through student webcams

Devon Martinez 

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Editor’s note: This article is satire. 

     About halfway through the semester, computer professor Rebecca Ignorant began noticing messages that her computer contracted a virus. Frightened by the experience, she decided to do some research. 

     Ignorant tracked the differences in how she uses her computer daily to see where the virus notification was coming from. And she found what she believes is the source of the virus.  

     “The only thing that changed was my use of the webcam communications platforms for teaching my classes,” Ignorant said. “COVID-19 is somehow making its way through my webcam onto my computer, and soon it will come for me.” 

     The purpose of UCCS moving to online remote synchronous courses was to protect students and staff from COVID-19. The discovery that the virus is possibly traveling through webcams is terrifying, Ignorant said.  

     And several of her students have also had the virus on their computers. Political science major Michael Illitera normally uses his class time and webcam to create makeup tutorials for the bored students in Ignorant’s class. Recently, he received a notification about the virus on his computer.  

     “Currently, I’m taking four courses, which means I have four makeup tutorials a week, which also means four times a week my webcam is on,” Illitera said. “We need to find solutions as a school to fight the remote COVID-19 virus before it hurts my viewership numbers.”  

     The university is listening to Illitera and Ignorant’s calls for help and is currently attempting to find solutions. But the tech department does not think webcams are to blame for the insurgence of viruses on computers. Instead, online communication platforms like Microsoft Teams are to blame for the new spread of COVID-19.  

     “If you look closely at the source of the virus: it’s not the webcams that we have to worry about,” said Head Tech Advisor Jonathon Hardware. “The virus mutated itself to become a friend to the communications platforms like Microsoft Teams and is using that friendship to hurt innocent UCCS students and professors and their computers.” 

     Despite research findings from the UCCS tech team, Ignorant argues that this is fake news.  

     “One does not need to be an expert to realize that the tech team is wrong. But guess what? I am an expert, and I know they are wrong,” Ignorant said. “I will continue to fight the webcam industry until I can ensure that all my students are safe from the invisible and technologically aware COVID-19 virus.” 

     To fight the virus, Ignorant is now teaching her courses without webcams on. Students everywhere are excited about this development, since they have not liked having their webcams on from the beginning.  

     A town hall-style meeting on Thursday will bring all sides of this debate together as the school attempts to stop the COVID-19 computer virus before it spreads to students. Everyone who attends the meeting will be asked to not bring their computers — masks are optional. 

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