Satire: Why I have no friends, and no one likes me

Devon “Stay Away from Me or Else” Martinez  

dmarti31@uccs.edu 

     I am a student in the male modeling management program here at UCCS, and I have no friends — and I don’t want any.  

     I did not go to school to find people to become buddies with. I actually never found a good reason for why I did go to school, but that is beside the point. Friends are things that I never had because I never wanted them.  

     This all began when I was in the third grade when a young boy walked up to me.  

     “Hi! My name’s Michael,” he said with an annoying high-pitched squeal.  

     “Leave me alone,” I replied, and I punched that poser in the face.  

     For some strange reason, the teacher was very upset with me, as were the kids’ parents. My mom even grounded me and took my LEGOs away.   

     The rest of the school year went great. No more posers like that dumb idiot, Michael, came up to me with their stupid smiles and said anything. I can’t say the same for fourth grade and on. Let’s just say that more posers were punched throughout the years.  

     I knew that humans were not for me early on. Being friends with people only causes heartache and strain, and I watched as drama grew among my peers. Why would anyone want to be friends with something as disgusting as a human? If I could choose to not be friends with myself, I would.   

     That’s why I preferred my imaginary friends growing up. Pete was my favorite of my imaginary friends. Unlike the other imaginaries, he liked the same things I liked. We would talk about how great “Jurassic Park” is for hours. We only disagreed on the idea of bringing back dinosaurs. I was for it; he was against it.  

     My other friend was my dog. He was pretty cool, and I do really love my new one as well. I guess that I just like dogs more than people. They are not complicated like humans are. All I must do is feed him, pet him and take him out for walks. It’s pretty simple, if you ask me.  

     I have kept an okay relationship with my parents. Mostly, because I moved 2,000 miles not to be around them. I talk to them every Sunday. I hang up if my mom decides she wants to be more complicated than she really is. I guess hanging up on her is a weekly occurrence.  

Devon “Stay Away from Me or Else” Martinez.
Photo courtesy of UCCS male modeling program.

     My dad says that he worries that I will never find love. I tried to explain to him that love does not need to come from an actual human. Just like my imaginary friends, I could create the perfect imaginary person for me. And if they begin to become complicated, I could erase them. Boom…problem solved.  

     To be honest, not having and not wanting any friends becomes pretty lonely sometimes. I wonder if there is a chance that maybe someone could become an acquaintance at least. It might help. And with acquaintances, I don’t need to treat them like friends or try to understand how complicated they are. I could just meet them once and see them again and not have to worry about continuing to see them.  

     Before the pandemic, I had fun avoiding friendships or punching posers in the face for being friendly. Honestly, now it’s kind of tough not being able to do that. It’s hitting me hard. I hate being complicated like the other humans. I might just create another imaginary friend after I’m finished writing. 

     If you read this article, and you like what I said, please don’t contact me.