SCRIBBLE | University admin now required to take intro to finance

Due to the ongoing budget crisis, UCCS administrative teams will all be enrolled in mandatory finance courses starting this fall.

Tired of class cuts and professors leaving their degree programs, students demanded that university admin introduce themselves to finance.

“This is intro to finance, not a course on university budgets, but I hope my class will at least help them with their mortgage payments,” assistant professor of finance Dan Druff said.

Druff expressed fear of having admin take his class in the fall: “What happens if I fail one of them? Will I lose my job? Will my wife finally leave me for the mailman?”

Dan Druff went on to explain the theory of business while periodically calling his wife to make sure she still loved him for the next three hours, confusing the interview for a lecture.

Many students on campus found this to be a welcome change from other initiatives tried by the administration this year.

“After trying to boost enrollment with carnivorous gnomes and increasing dorm capacity by welcoming mouse people onto campus, this change feels a lot more reasonable,” sophomore Paige Turner said.

Turner expressed sympathy for any freshman who will be unable to watch Netflix on their laptop during class next year, as the chancellor is seated directly behind them.

Dylan Schminance, a finance major at UCCS, has welcomed the change. “I think the administration should start partially investing our tuition money in bitcoin, they’ll triple it in ten years!” he said.

Schminance then went on to explain why everyone should invest in bitcoin for the next three hours, confusing the interview for a first date. He also revealed that he “still doesn’t understand why he is single.”

Photo by Towfiqu Barbhuiya on Unsplash.