Mamma Mia! Here we go again!
Every time we go back to school, we hear the same things over and over from parents, teachers, school administrators, great aunts we talk to once a year and guys at the gym we tried not to talk to at all.
Below is a selection of some things people always say about going back to school and their ratings based on sincerity, predictability and entertainment value. Use your college-honed context clues to figure out when and where you would hear these: in the classroom, at home or from Brad at the gym who, I cannot stress enough, I did not want to talk to.
- “Welcome back!”
For now. 5/10.
- “Are you glad to get school started again?”
Eh. 4/10.
- “My years in college were some of the best years of my life. You’ll remember this time forever.”
I’m sorry to hear that, and I hope not. 3/10.
- “Get involved! Join clubs on campus! Become a part of the community!”
Bah humbug. 4/10.
- “It’ll be break again in no time!”
I checked my watch. It has been no time, and I am still here. Throw those lies back into the pit from whence they came. 1/10.
- “Your form is wrong. Let me show you how to do it.”
If this is a guidance counselor, 6/10. If it’s Brad at the gym (again), -20/10. Eat dirt, Brad.
- “Did you have a good summer?”
Some possible responses: Yes, I enjoyed it, it was all right, I had the best time of my life at summer camp, I almost died on an island off the coast of Mexico, but I learned a lot from the process (based on a true story), etc. Just don’t say your summer was bad, because nobody actually wants to hear if it was bad. 4/10.
- “Let me know if you have any questions about the syllabus.”
I have every question about the syllabus, but I will ask none of them. Instead, I will be confused about it until halfway through the semester. This process will cause me stress. The stress will not impact the behavior. I will accept no criticism. 1/10.
- “My class is extremely hard and barely anybody passes.”
Maybe teach it better then? -7/10.
- “The TAAP Program is designed to help you get textbooks at an affordable price!”
HEY! You! Yes, I’m looking at you! Before you do anything else, count the number of credit hours you have and multiply them by 22. If you stay in the TAAP program, the school will charge you that number for all your textbooks, included in your fees. If you’re in a bunch of classes with ridiculously expensive textbooks, that may be a good thing. If, like me, a lot of your classes either require inexpensive readings that are easy to find or help provide some for you, OPT OUT! NOW! It’s on the Bookstore website. TBD/10.
Photo from uccs.edu.