UCCS moves all sports online due to COVID-22 

     All sports at UCCS will be played online due to the new COVID-22 strand called the “AmazonPlus Deluxe Mountain Lion strand.”  

     Students were notified over social media about the changes from some person in the athletic department at UCCS. The school decided not to share it through email, because the school does not respect athletics at all.  

     “All sports, including armadillo racing, are moving online,” some athletic department person wrote via the social media post. “Esports is the future anyways because it’s lazy and easy to do LOL. We think UCCS students can still get involved. Everyone has internet on campus. They can just watch.” 

     The post also explained that basketball, softball, baseball and golf players will have to learn how to play the corresponding video game to the sport they love, and that it will be easy since most kids nowadays learn how to play sports through video games anyways.  

     “If a great NFL quarterback like Kyler Murray can learn how to play football through Madden so can y’all!!!” the post said. 

     UCCS will even conduct training sessions for the athletes in the Game Room from 2 a.m. to 10:22 p.m. Monday-Friday next week and maybe the week after (if the athletes are slow). The university hired the finest Esports players to train them. They will start with exhibition matches and then slowly move to online play on day four.  

Baseball player celebrates with his teammates after hitting a homerun. Photo from unsplash.com.

     Several UCCS players are upset by the decision. They claim they spent too much effort to become college athletes and learning the games does not solve the problem with COVID-22.  

     “Every COVID-22 solution the school employs is more focused on avoiding the virus instead of finding solutions,” wrote sophomore golfer Jane Swing on social media. “I get it, Esports are cool, but just canceling everything is not going to stop the virus from spreading. We can be around people and still take the necessary precautions for safety. There is nuance to these things.”  

     The school responded with an email reminding Swing that nuance has been illegal since Jeff Bezos became chancellor.  

     Junior shortstop Michael Evans said that the Esports change was inevitable. 

     “I came to college to play sports and get a degree that will only help for about two years until I have to get my next degree. And Esports is the best thing that can happen to me,” he said.  

     “To the detractors: I get you. We all work hard to get here and have people show up to our games. But let’s be honest, people are more focused on screens then actual games. Just accept it yo,” he said. 

     When asked if he agreed with the decision, he said, “I just want to play video games LOL.”  

     The school is not going to change their mind, because the school is run by Bezos, and he never changes his mind. So, sports are online now. Cool!