Wind blows entire UCCS campus away

On March 31, the entire UCCS campus was completely blown off the side of Rattlesnake Hill by high wind gusts, leaving behind only concrete foundations and what looked suspiciously like a set of catacombs.  

Different pieces of the campus landed across the city and beyond. Main Hall fell directly on top of City Hall and the Academic Office crashed into the landfill next to Red Rock Canyon, which witnesses said was the only place it actually seemed to improve the scenery.  

Dorm buildings had a far-reaching impact. Monarch landed in the middle of the open space between Colorado Springs and Pueblo, and rather than hitchhike or trek back to where the campus used to be, the students trapped inside simply swore off higher education and decided to form a commune.  

Keystone, on the other hand, fell right smack in the middle of Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. As of now, no animals were harmed, but several students reported unpleasant encounters with zoo specimens such as lions, tigers and bears. “Oh, my!” sophomore Lucy Lazyjoke said, according to her roommates.  

Following the destruction, campus executives gathered for an emergency meeting in Berger Hall, which noticeably lacked four walls and a ceiling. After a rushed discussion, an email was sent out announcing that in order to pay for a new campus, the cost of parking permits would have to be raised exponentially.  

“We don’t want to raise tuition anymore, because we value what our students have to offer and don’t want them to deal with unreasonable prices for education,” the email said. “Thus, we have decided to raise costs in an area of campus life that we know will not have a huge impact on student finances.” 

As a result of the email, the thousands of students that were not blown away decided to turn the remainder of the campus into a large-access rage room, smashing any remaining pieces of debris they could possibly find.  

“If they raise parking costs again, get me a crowbar and I’ll destroy this school myself,” senior Chad Everyman said, before taking a swing at a nearby trash can that miraculously survived the wind.  

UCCS leadership is expected to reevaluate the decision following the widespread outrage, and are generally encouraged to do so soon, as whatever remains of the campus is currently being ground into dust.  

After a long and lengthy investigation, the catacombs turned out to be nothing. That won’t stop the Scribble from getting into a frenzy about them for three days, hunting through the archives for more information and then rapidly losing interest. Developments unfolding.   

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