Satire: How to get free tuition on campus

Ellie Myers 

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     It’s no secret that college is expensive. There isn’t a student alive that hasn’t looked at their college bill, fought back a heart attack and cried in a moment of pain, “Why can’t college just be free?!”  

     Fortunately, my poor little penniless pets, the Scribble is here to help you. Below is a list of strategies that might or might not ensure you free tuition.  

Get hit by a bus 

     This is known as a “pass by catastrophe,” meaning if something terrible happens, such as a natural disaster or indeed, getting hit by a bus, the student in question will have their education covered by the school.  

     Now, several websites have told me this is false, but you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I say, leave no stone unturned! You can use all the money you just saved to pay for your medical bills.  

Bank heist 

     Technically, this does not make tuition free, but it does remove the cost to you unless you get caught. So, don’t get caught. Gather the squad and watch “Ocean’s 11” together for inspiration, then design a complex and intricate plan for a heist at either a bank or a casino.  

     You’ll need several friends: a wisecracking hacker friend, a small acrobatic friend, a sexy friend to boost ratings, and a love interest friend, who may fall into any of the above categories if circumstances require. All of these are vital for the plan to work, meaning if you don’t have any friends, either get some or choose a different option.  

Ask nicely 

     When I was growing up, my mommy always told me that if I ask nicely, people will give me the things I want. Why not give it a try? If you just walk into the Financial Aid Office and give them puppy dog eyes, the chance that you will get free tuition is not necessarily 0%. Stranger things have happened.  

     If they don’t give it to you, ask to speak to a manager. You might get a courtesy lanyard out of it.  

Kill your roommate 

      This one is a joke!!! Do not try this!!! 

Just don’t pay it and see what happens 

     What’s the worst that could happen? Jail? No credit? The school seizes all of your records, making it basically impossible for you to get a job? Whatever.  

     Run into the mountains and make a shelter. Befriend the bears and wolves. Go feral and live on what Mother Nature feeds you. If anyone comes for you, set up a “Home Alone” style trap for them in the woods that you now know like the back of your hand. The wild calls to you — answer it.  

     See if these work, and if they don’t, I’m honestly not sure what to tell you. Unfortunately, I won’t be available to answer any follow-ups either, because I hear my bus coming. See you on the other side.  

Art by Mike Foley