Stop calling people a “pick-me.” I’m tired of women being labeled as a “pick-me” just because they have hobbies that are “meant for boys,” and I’m tired of men being labeled as “pick-me” because they “dress for the feminine gaze” or, God forbid, are feminists.
No one should be made to feel less than or as if they are seeking attention just because their interests are not typical for people of their gender. Gender roles are contrived and useless, and we can’t keep allowing them to permeate our society through slang terms like these.
The term “pick-me” began as slang on Twitter in 2016, referencing a 2005 episode of Grey’s Anatomy where Meredith Grey begged Derek Shepard to “pick me” over his wife. The term is used to describe someone who is constantly trying to seek attention and validation from another gender. It has grown in popularity, and now it feels like I can’t scroll more than 10 seconds on any social media platform without seeing it.
Although I now identify as non-binary, I grew up as a woman and am still treated as one by most people I meet. When I was a kid, I was into sports and trading Pokémon cards and board games — all things assumed to be “for boys.”
I was consistently told by my peers growing up that I was “looking for attention” when I wanted to play soccer with the boys at recess instead of sitting and gossiping with the girls.
Although these aren’t my interests now, I still like some things that are “for boys” like video games and tabletop RPGs. Somehow, I’m still “looking for attention” when I’m struggling through Halo or joining Dungeons and Dragons one-shots, except now they have a word to call me — “pick-me.”
It feels as if I can’t have an interest in anything just because people see me as being feminine. I’d rather read than go to a party? Pick-me. I talk about my PC set-up at home? Pick-me. I celebrate the new board game I’m excited to play? Pick-me. Being a nerd isn’t only for boys, anyone should be able to engage in these hobbies and be taken seriously in their interests.
Not only is this damaging for recipients of the term, but it also feeds back into older sexist rhetoric that eventually shifted into alt-right harassment. In 2014, Gamergate circulated on social media as a movement for men to harass women in the gaming industry. Hate speech, doxing, revenge porn and cyberstalking were all common techniques used by men in this movement to harass women.
This prior movement normalized online harassment against women and no one stopped it — not the platforms, not law enforcement and not the laws in place to protect women online. It is still typical for women in the gaming industry to receive this kind of harassment.
QTCinderella, a Twitch streamer famous for hosting the Streamer Awards, dealt with a deepfake porn video, causing her to deal with deep sexual trauma. Although it was not real porn of her spread online, she still had to deal with explicit content containing her image shared online and tainting the wholesome brand she had created.
It’s just as bad for boys. If they are into fashion, if they like cozy video games instead of fps games, if they like reading romance books, they’re a pick-me. There is pressure for men to be masculine and engage in masculine hobbies because femininity is socially stigmatized as weak.
When women face increased violence and harassment, it is typically a precursor to an increase in violence that affects the wider population. The Gamergate movement started by harassing and violating women online but has now moved into the harassment of men online as well.
Kai Cenat, who has almost 10 million followers on Twitch, dealt with a revenge porn leak earlier this year. An OnlyFans model leaked explicit photos of him and faced no consequences. Revenge porn isn’t even considered a federal crime.
It’s stupid to draw the line on who can enjoy what based on whether they look masculine or feminine, as hobbies can and should be for everyone. All the word “pick-me” accomplishes is making people feel ashamed for having non-traditional interests and furthers the divide of gender roles in society.
Although some people may genuinely be trying to get male or female attention by engaging in hobbies typical for the other gender, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to understand the interests of someone you are romantically engaged or interested in. We should be trying to understand those with different interests than ourselves and not feel ashamed for it, but at the end of the day, most of the “pick-mes” don’t even fall into this category. They just want to be left alone to enjoy their hobbies.
The 2005 “Grey’s Anatomy” line. Photo courtesy of Buzzfeed.