SATIRE | Bug Club hosts competition to determine the best bug

During their meeting on March 30, eight members of the UCCS Bug Club brought their favorite bugs to Mountain Lion Field to decide which is the best.

According to Bug Club Co-President Grace Hopper, who served as referee for this fight club-style meeting, this had been a long-time debate among club members that caused a lot of tension.

“One of our members got so upset over this debate that he cut up our favorite black widow’s web with scissors. Todd had been working on that web all year. That was when I knew we had to settle this, not just for our own good, but to make sure Todd will never have to see his beautiful work ruined again,” she said.

The two bugs who made it to the finals won their respective rounds through strategy and style.

In her first round, the ladybug dodged the leaf bug by flying straight up as he ran at her and landing on his head, a strategy Hopper called the ladybug’s “shockingly effective” signature move.

The ladybug beat the jumping spider even more quickly by flying around him in circles. In trying to track her and execute the perfect pounce, the jumping spider became dizzy and started tripping over his own legs, eventually falling onto his back after only 20 seconds. This was the fastest win of the competition.

Laya Dean, the owner of the ladybug, said she knew her bug would be one of the toughest competitors. Dean attributes their success to the rigorous training regimen she created.

“We started every day by reciting affirmations followed by a WWE binge watching session. I think she was most inspired watching John Cena and really adopted his cutthroat mindset for this competition,” Dean said.

The Rosy Maple Moth won her rounds through one key strategy: existing. When facing the tarantula, she hovered just above his reach and flew around in circles until he exhausted himself chasing her.

Anton Hill, the owner of the fire ants who competed against the Rosy Maple Moth in round two, found himself concerned for her safety but quickly realized that the fuzzy pink moth was untouchable.

“She just kind of sat there staring at us with those big black eyes while her wings got covered in ants. Everyone watching started calling me a monster, and I was about to intervene when she flapped her wings. All my ants went soaring. I lost all of them and that round, but that moth gained all of my respect,” Hill said.

Everyone gathered around home base to watch the ladybug take on the Rosy Maple Moth in the final round.

The Rosy Maple Moth deployed a new tactic right at the start: lying down and taking a little nap. Intimidated by what Hopper described as an “unbelievable power move,” the ladybug flew off the playing field, leaving the sleepy little moth to take the title of “Best Bug.”

Catreena-May Elrose, who owns the Rosy Maple Moth, said she is very proud of her and thinks her new title is well deserved.

“I thought she just didn’t want to train when she decided to take naps in the middle of our sessions. I didn’t know she was actually training so, so hard,” Elrose said.

Dean also expressed her support for Elrose and the Rosy Maple Moth: “My ladybug gave it everything she had, but her competition really did the most. Everyone seems very satisfied with this competition’s outcome, myself included.”

Graphic by Raven Sanchez.