SCRIBBLE | Nothing really happened today

In what many called an “unexceptional turn of events,” Monday, April 1 appeared to be a completely normal day with no particular features of interest.

At the beginning of the day, students and staff gradually realized that there was absolutely nothing happening on campus worthy of note, and widely responded to the news by continuing the mundane tasks they had been completing before.

“It’s been a while since we had a day this monotonous,” sociology professor Jane Jones said. “I don’t even know why you’re bothering with interviews.”

Jones wandered away right after answering the above question, provoking a mild reaction from your correspondent before they realized they did not much care either.

The state of hum-drum activity permeated the campus for the entire day. At 11:03 a.m., a twig fell off a bush next to Dwire. Shortly afterward, a bunny about 20 feet away was seen twitching its nose.

Facing an imminent lack of news, Scribe interviewers took to the field to ask meandering students if they had anything exciting to report whatsoever.

“I saw a squirrel run by a few minutes ago,” business major John Smith said. “Then it kind of stopped and started chewing on a pinecone.” Photographers who immediately ran to take pictures of the squirrel were thwarted when they arrived at the tree in question and found it bereft of squirrels.

At 2:37 p.m., a car pulled out of a parking spot. Five minutes later, a student reading an economics textbook in the library turned a page. Initial reports suggested that the page turn happened with minimal to nonexistent damage to the book, except after the student in question dog-eared the page before leaving to go to the bathroom and possibly escape our reporter.

“I’m bored,” Scribe opinion editor Ellie Myers said after realizing she had zero other sources with anything of value to say about the situation. “You would think that at a newspaper, I would have something better to do than write about myself in the third person, but apparently not.”

According to witnesses, Myers then muttered something about getting a Gatorade and wandered off to the bookstore.

Other witnesses added that at 3:49 p.m., a plastic bag flew past Columbine. At 4:48 p.m., somebody picked it up. At 4:49 p.m., Myers put the bag in the trash along with her empty Gatorade bottle.

“I wish I didn’t spend three dollars on a Gatorade,” Myers said, and meant it.

At 5:51 p.m., Myers thought she saw a Volkswagen Beetle but was ultimately mistaken. At 5:52 p.m., she left campus to go home, walking past a team of Iditarod dogs pulling Danny DeVito up to University Center in a sled as a crowd of students cheered him on.

“I suppose I could have been paying closer attention,” Myers said.

Witness photo of plastic bag flying past Columbine Hall.