Satire: Jeff Bezos buys UCCS

Devon Martinez 

dmarti31@uccs.edu 

     Jeff Bezos, ex-Amazon CEO turned space cowboy, now owns UCCS. That is it. That is the story.  

     He bought the university because UCCS is the largest school in El Paso County. Experts believe that this purchase was inevitable after an Amazon distribution center was opened in Colorado Springs earlier this year. 

     “He just continues to buy s—,” said UCCS business advisor David Businessman. “It’s like he has an unlimited number of resources at his disposal. This should worry anyone who is human. Actually, non-humans like my father’s dog should also be weary.”  

     Well, how exactly did this happen? We know how; let’s start at the beginning.  

     You see, when Bezos was a young boy, his father took him to the city to see Wall Street in action. He said, “Son when you’re old, will you own everything and start a company? Will you defeat them? The unions and the goal of prosperity for anyone but yourself?”  

     Bezos said yes. And he has worked hard to accomplish the goals set in motion by his dear old dad ever since. He went to school and began to work in finance at Wall Street. But he learned that he was looking for more money; amounts so large that they start with either a capital B or T. That would only happen if he started his own company. And that is why he decided to start Amazon.  

     The company began as an online bookstore, but it slowly became the largest company to ever exist — selling everything from VHS products to underwear to Hawaiian bread rolls. Basically, think of a product and it is on Amazon. Even the things you don’t think about — it’s all there.  

     Several students are not happy with the decision, since they reasonably understand that the man is a monster.  

     “I chose this school because it is a public university and I am against the profit motive involved with schools,” said senior sandwich communism major Michael Human. “I will begin my protest against this move once I get out of bed at 11 a.m., four Tuesdays from now.”  

     Human also shared that over 500 students will be at the protest four Tuesdays from now. The Scribble would normally cover an event this large, but due to Mr. Bezos now owning the Scribble, this will be our final article about him.  

    I will probably be fired due to this article. But oh well. YOLO. LOL. 

Jeff Bezos, photo courtesy of Wired.com