Satire: Letter to the Editor from A. Fallon Leaf

Ellie Myers 

[email protected] 

     To whom it may concern,  

     Good afternoon. I wish that this letter wasn’t necessary, but my concerns about a certain article in the little college dishrag that calls itself “The Scribe” were too pressing to ignore. 

     It came to my attention recently that my likeness was used without my consent for an article entitled “Fall leaves: the academic review.” I found the concept a little perplexing, since appreciation of fall leaves is subjective and absolutely no one asked for this. That said, if the reviewer gave a thoughtful analysis, I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

     However, the amount of ignorant, insulting and arbitrary rankings of the leaves convinced me that this reporter not only had no idea what she was talking about but probably wasn’t very bright in general.  

     To begin my grievances, each leaf was merely given a number, taking away its very humanity. It felt like she gathered us all into a pile and jumped on us. Nobody would ever do something so horrible, so why was this listicle acceptable? 

     Furthermore, I was absolutely appalled by her frankly crude responses to our appearances. My friend I. B. Leaf, for instance, was merely described as “Moldy looking. Ugh.” I happen to know that I. B. is very proud of his mold and that he grew it himself.  

     But that is not the worst affront I viewed in the article. I, considered by many to be a beautiful leaf, was merely given the rating 2/5 stars, with the caption “meh.” 

     Meh? After all the hard work I put into changing colors this autumn? Am I not to be given a description that can stretch beyond one word? Am I nothing? Am I a leaf in the wind, destined to blow away and be forgotten as the seasons turn?  

     The answer to that last question is yes, literally speaking, but I am still most displeased.  

     And don’t get me started on the rating. 2/5 stars? I am at least a 3.5, thank you. I am an eye-catching dark maroon that has gently faded to a deep, thoughtful brown over the season, and I will be respected for my beauty. I might also add that it would have been easier to maintain my original coloring if the reviewer had not actively ripped me off a tree.  

     In conclusion, I am filled with disgust and indignation at the treatment I have received completely against my will. Because of this farce on my very nature and name, I will not be returning next season.  

Most Sincerely,  

     A. Fallon Leaf