Satire: My Date on the Incline by Joy Webb

17 September 2019

Joy Webb

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Hiking the incline for a first date aka worst idea ever

It was a beautiful day, not too hot for summertime but also just breezy enough to cool you down during a workout; it was perfect weather for the incline. I had been seeing this guy for about a week now, and we had gone on two previous dates. Things were going well, and I had high hopes.

For our third date, however, he asked me to go do the incline with him. Even though I had never done the incline before, I had heard plenty of horror stories about it. Naturally, I thought everyone was just being weak af, so I said yes. I couldn’t back down, or he would think that I wasn’t outdoorsy enough or something. I enjoy hiking, but not hiking that puts me in physical pain.

I’ve only ever hiked two 14ers in my life; the first time I cried the entire way up and the second time I complained the entire way up (and down). We arrived in Manitou and had to park in the main part of town and walk up to the incline (even though there’s a shuttle) because the man I was on the date with had to show off. Once we finally got to the trail, after walking uphill for 20 minutes, I was winded and out of breath. As we gazed up at what I now realized was the mother f****** incline, I knew that this might be the last date I ever went on (because I was going to literally die).

After about 10 steps, I was ready to quit. I played it off like I was just being dramatically cute and continued to try to keep up. After about 30 more steps, my vision began to blur, and I realized that I was going to actually die or pass out because I didn’t want to appear weak to a man I barely knew. So, I sat down to take a break.

For the next five minutes, all I heard was “come on, you can do it” or “it’s really not that bad, I promise,” and I nearly drop kicked this boy off the side of the mountain. I finally made it about ¼ of the way, and felt my bowels making questionable noises. I quickly sat down on the side of the path and played it off.

He said, “come on, let’s just get it over with” and persisted to try to get me to continue my trek to death, when I finally exploded. “I’M EITHER GOING TO DIE, PASSOUT, PUKE OR SHIT MY PANTS. JUST LEAVE ME.” The rest of the way, we took about 20 breaks, and he didn’t say another word. This boy is now my boyfriend, but I promise that going on a date to the incline, or doing the incline at all, is never a good idea.