Satire: Students required to use technology from the future for new IDs

Devon Martinez 

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     In a new campaign to make life more difficult for students, UCCS has decided to use technology from the future for student IDs.  

     The technology, which will be developed in the year 2077, allows students to download the Mountain Lion 1077 ID card into their central nervous system. Students will use it to enter their housing, dining halls, some classes and all bathrooms.  

     The school’s decision was made for two reasons: to hurt student morale and for UCCS to accomplish its goal of becoming the school of the future and beyond.  

     “And what better way than using something that has yet to be developed,” Alexa Mobile said, a useless administrator in the ID department. “Its creator happens to be my granddaughter. She will not be born for another 20 years, but I have reason to believe that the technology she ends up creating is what the campus needs.” 

     Mobile began the process for the school to shift to new technology. According to her, a portal opened while she was in her office one day this past summer, and the technology was dropped from it. That’s how she discovered that her granddaughter was behind the mysterious tech.  

     This is where she also learned that the technology is still in beta testing. Meaning that it is not ready for mass consumption at the present date.  

     Students just need to go up to the service desk to have the Mountain Lion card injected into their brain. The service desk, in an email earlier this week, requested that students head over as fast as they can.  

     The same email stated that any student who did not want the implanted student ID can “f*ck off.” Students are also being asked to delete the Mobile ID app they just downloaded at the beginning of the semester. By November, the app will no longer exist.  

     Several students are setting up protests over the new ID, claiming that the injection violates a student’s right to choose what gets injected into their bodies. 

     “Not everyone has the capability to handle the new technology. I mean, in the future, people are half robots — they can take the injection without problem,” said protest leader James Johnson. “I’m not sure if the school was ready for this, I mean, they don’t have enough of the technology to provide for the campus population.” 

     The Scribble asked the Service desk if this claim was true — and they confirmed it. Their current estimates are that only half of the campus will have access to the technology.  

     In a campus-wide email, Chancellor Jeff Bezos said, “It’s an easy choice. Either inject the Mountain Lion card into your nervous system or go to a different school. You gave up your rights when you decided to enroll at UCCS. Don’t you know what we are about here, son?”  

     So far about 80% of campus has been unable to make it to class, eat in the dining halls, sleep in their dorm rooms or use the restroom. According to Mobile, “The program from the future is a success.”  

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