SCRIBBLE: Marijuana sales up thanks to stimmys brah

Devon “Purple Haze” Martinez  

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     Stimmys and weed are the new bread and butter. Why? Well, because they go so well together. Ask your local marijuana dispensary, and they can vouch for this.  

     “We ran out of marijuana eight times in the past two weeks,” said Michael “Blue Dream” Jennings, CEO of Marijuana Land in Pueblo. “Even my grandma came in and bought an ounce a day until she ran out of her stimmy money.” 

     Jennings is not the only dispensary owner to share stories about his pot being bought at extreme rates, since the stimulus money was delivered by the IRS in mid-March. Every place in town, including the local unlicensed weed dealers, is experiencing unprecedented demand for their product. 

     James “Gorilla Cookies” Herald, an unlicensed weed dealer, confirmed this with The Scribble. 

     “I am now being forced to work all day,” he said. “Before I used to work four hours a week selling at the back of my mom’s condo, but now, due to the stimmy, I am being forced to work eight hours a day. This is too much work for a human to take.” 

     Herald claims this is unfair. He previously supported the stimmy because he was a recipient of it. But now he hates the stimulus and all the people who received it because of how hard they have made his life. Herald believes he is one of the responsible citizens who decided to invest his money in Dogecoin, instead of marijuana.  

     “I just sell the weed,” Herald said. “I don’t smoke it…people need to be more responsible with their money.” 

     Other marijuana sellers are excited by the recent craze for their product. Some sellers, including licensed and unlicensed sellers, are protesting for more stimmys because of how much it helps their business. 

     Janice “Fruity Pebbles” Smith, owner of the Marijuana Pot Weed Distribution Center in Denver, is one of these weed capitalists who is more than a little excited about how high her sales are since the stimmy was passed.  

     “I am drowning in money because others decided to drown themselves in marijuana, the moment they received their stimmy,” Smith said. “I believe people deserve one stimmy a week; imagine how much that would help my business!”  

     Smith is the richest woman CEO in Colorado now because of the marijuana stimulus craze. Just two weeks ago she was only the 12th richest. She is not the only person in Colorado to protest for more stimmys. Several of her customers are also working to ensure they can receive more stimulus. 

     “$1400 is not enough. Marijuana prices are skyrocketing, making it hard for single mothers like myself to find dank weed,” said Samantha “Wedding Cake” Nelson, a loyal customer to Smith’s business. “Universal basic income is the solution to this deep problem that needs to be solved in this country; $1400 a week will allow everyone access to the dankest weed around.” 

     Nelson is planning to set up an organization to protest the U.S. government and compel them to get off their asses and give people more money. The first protest will be on April 20, and it will be nationwide.   

     If Nelson’s plan for a weekly stimmy plan becomes reality, then marijuana businesses have a lot to look forward to in the next year. 2021 might become the greenest year ever!