SATIRE | No one showed up for Sandwich Day events

Another year, another Sandwich Day at UCCS. And this one was a little depressing, to say the least.

The Sandwich Day celebration has been a staple at UCCS since the university was founded in the 1960s, back in the olden days. It’s the one thing that has brought the school together since then. It doesn’t matter if you are a conservative, liberal, anarchist or one of those strange people in the middle who think they are better than everyone: The celebration was made for you.

For example, during last year’s Sandwich Day celebration, students worked together to build the perfect sandwich after finding out that it was the cure to COVID-19, and the year before that, students around campus found common ground to help fight the divide between communist and capitalist sandwich majors alike.

But this year, almost no one showed up to the annual sandwich events. The sandwich dunking competition, the breakfast sandwich race on the West Lawn and the history lessons on the global diversity of sandwiches saw a turnout of about ten students total.

Last year, there were over 2,000 students involved in each event; there were also more events and booths.

“It’s so sad because we were hoping for a greater turnout; the youth have always turned out for Sandwich Day,” said senior sandwich education major Jamie Cheesesteak. “I was the Sandwich Day coordinator and I feel like I failed everyone.”

Austrian-sandwich major Ryan Turkey Club, a political rival to Cheesesteak and also her coordination assistant, feels sad too. But unlike Cheesesteak, he believes one off year is not enough to give up hope.

“We can’t let one bad year beat us down,” he said. “The school is a real inclusive sandwich university with sandwich majors and even a sandwich business school. We are not going down. We will make it fellow sandwich lovers. We will unite!”

Some students in the Sandwich Club believe that the loss of Chancellor Jeff Bezos is the reason why no one came.

“Despite him being an evil son of a gun, he helped fund our sandwich day events last year,” said graduate student sandwich economics major Jonathan Slider. “And with the funding came the people. Sandwiches were winning. Mostly because he [Bezos] only knows how to purchase things to help his cause. Sometimes there’s a benefit to being evil.”

The saddest person on Sandwich Day was the famous sandwich connoisseur Jack Croque Monsieur. He traveled from France for the events. Sandwich Day at UCCS was his favorite sandwich event all year.

The Scribble interviewed him on the West Lawn. His head rested on his knees as he cried out to us during the entire interview. Two Scribble reporters cried with him after the interview. Five more Scribble reporters quit because they felt so defeated.

“I just wanted good sandwiches. That’s all the world needs,” Croque Monsieur said.

Yes, Croque Monsieur, that is all the world needs. When people get involved with Sandwich Day real change happens. Real change can’t happen unless people get involved. So, next Sandwich Day please try your very best to get involved. Thank you.

Dear Scribble Fans,

Unfortunately, this is my last Sandwich Day article as I’ve reached the end of my time with the Scribble. It makes me sad to know that no one cared. I want to wish everyone farewell. Sending love to all sandwich lovers and Scribble fans alike.

Photo caption: Photo from